Old Love

Thinking about tonight’s date and my desire not to kiss C, I remembered the first time I kissed S. After much long distance flirting over e-mail, we were finally in the same city again and had spent the evening talking about our potential relationship. I had driven, and as we pulled into my driveway, I vividly remember him sitting in the passenger seat, as I turned off the car, asking me if he could kiss me now. Oh, God, yes please! So we got out of the car – and naturally, it was lovely.

Every once in a while, I think about S, though not as frequently as I once did, and that’s a good thing, considering that relationship ended nearly 10 years ago. But you never forget your first love. Even when he’s now married and is probably starting a family, or at least thinking about it.

After the relationship ended, I couldn’t get over him. You see, we were still in constant contact, communicating by e-mail, seeing each other on occasion, and I just couldn’t get past the hope that he’d change his mind and come back to me. I was in love, and in some ways it was crippling. I figured out that I had to cut all contact for a while so that I could get over him. It seemed to work at the time, but I don’t think it was permanent. It didn’t help that, for a while, he lived with my brother, which meant that, on occasion, I saw him and also met his girlfriends. There were only two after me, and he’s now married to #2. Neither was good enough for him as far as I was concerned, but I suppose that’s just because neither was me. It didn’t help that my sister-in-law didn’t (maybe still doesn’t) like the girlfriend who is now his wife.

When I found out he had gotten married, it came as a bit of a shock, but I wasn’t as upset as I’d once imagined I’d be. In some ways, I was angry that he didn’t have the guts to tell me himself. But in a way I believe that he was simply trying not to hurt me and maybe didn’t know how to tell me. It also served as the catalyst for ceasing all communication. I never hear from him, and I never see him anymore. But I do occasionally hear about him, as my brother and sister-in-law still see S and his wife sometimes. And sometimes it still hurts, because I wish it was me.

There was one compelling reason he wasn’t the right man for me, and I know that in my head. But sometimes, like this morning, thinking about that first kiss, I feel just a little sad, missing him. I still love him, and I suppose I always will, at least until I find someone else worthy of my heart.