Old Love

Thinking about tonight’s date and my desire not to kiss C, I remembered the first time I kissed S. After much long distance flirting over e-mail, we were finally in the same city again and had spent the evening talking about our potential relationship. I had driven, and as we pulled into my driveway, I vividly remember him sitting in the passenger seat, as I turned off the car, asking me if he could kiss me now. Oh, God, yes please! So we got out of the car – and naturally, it was lovely.

Every once in a while, I think about S, though not as frequently as I once did, and that’s a good thing, considering that relationship ended nearly 10 years ago. But you never forget your first love. Even when he’s now married and is probably starting a family, or at least thinking about it.

After the relationship ended, I couldn’t get over him. You see, we were still in constant contact, communicating by e-mail, seeing each other on occasion, and I just couldn’t get past the hope that he’d change his mind and come back to me. I was in love, and in some ways it was crippling. I figured out that I had to cut all contact for a while so that I could get over him. It seemed to work at the time, but I don’t think it was permanent. It didn’t help that, for a while, he lived with my brother, which meant that, on occasion, I saw him and also met his girlfriends. There were only two after me, and he’s now married to #2. Neither was good enough for him as far as I was concerned, but I suppose that’s just because neither was me. It didn’t help that my sister-in-law didn’t (maybe still doesn’t) like the girlfriend who is now his wife.

When I found out he had gotten married, it came as a bit of a shock, but I wasn’t as upset as I’d once imagined I’d be. In some ways, I was angry that he didn’t have the guts to tell me himself. But in a way I believe that he was simply trying not to hurt me and maybe didn’t know how to tell me. It also served as the catalyst for ceasing all communication. I never hear from him, and I never see him anymore. But I do occasionally hear about him, as my brother and sister-in-law still see S and his wife sometimes. And sometimes it still hurts, because I wish it was me.

There was one compelling reason he wasn’t the right man for me, and I know that in my head. But sometimes, like this morning, thinking about that first kiss, I feel just a little sad, missing him. I still love him, and I suppose I always will, at least until I find someone else worthy of my heart.

Dating by E-mail?

Maybe it's just me, but I think that a man should pick up the phone if he wants a date. I can accept that the first request was by e-mail when it was, in essence, a set-up. But after you've been on that first date, shouldn't he pick up the phone for that second date? Perhaps I'm too much of a traditionalist, but I'm far more impressed by a man who can get up the guts to ask for a date over the phone. When he can't/won't use the phone when you've already agreed to go out with him once and the chances of rejection have decreased? That just seems a little spineless, to me. Or maybe I'm just a bitch.

The Rule of Three

I've heard that it takes three dates to know whether a person is someone to continue dating. I'm not sure that I agree with that, but since I've never actually had a "real" third date (not counting relationships that were "relationships" from the beginning because of a pre-existing friendship), I'm willing to test it to a point.

As I said after the lunch date, there was no click with the boy. I'm not the least bit attracted to him. My mother at this point would pipe in and say that my aunt wasn't attracted to my uncle at first...but my mother frequently sticks her nose in where it's not wanted - this is the woman who, in not so many words, told me that I am going to die alone because I'm too picky. So anyway, even though I'm not attracted to him, I've agreed to dinner. Even though there's apparently a "rule of three," there will not be a third date with this boy, unless there's some sudden spark, which I don't expect. I just don't want to have to avoid an unwanted kiss good night, and I definitely don't want to participate.

Am I just too closed-minded about this? Am I supposed to follow the "rule of three" and give this guy (who looks great on paper but just doesn't do it for me) a third date? Help!

January at the Gym

I like to consider myself a "regular" at the gym, which is why I hate the gym in January. It's all the "New Year's Resolutioners." Don't get me wrong - I applaud people who are looking to improve themselves for whatever reason gets them there, whether it's their health or vanity or some other reason. But at the same time, I hate them. It's not as if more than a handful of them will still be going to the gym in a couple of months, so I just wish they'd go home and stop clogging up the machines.

I like to work out in the morning. Ordinarily, at 6 am, you can have your pick of the equipment. I'm a creature of habit and really like to use the same machine every time. And I like my personal space. Working out is much more pleasant when the machine next to me is empty.

January, however, is terrible. Yesterday, I actually saw a line, A LINE!, for the treadmills. At 6 am! And the row of ellipticals where I work out is now consistently full. I ended up spending half of my workout - 25 minutes - stuck next to the guy with the worst and strongest body odor ever. I wouldn't have this problem in June, because the machine next to me would be empty. But not in January.

For now, I'll count the days until late February and pray that each day that the New Year's Resolutioner population continues to dwindle.

Love - the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Weekends for me aren't usually that exciting. This weekend was a little different. I learned a little more about love.

Until recently, my grandfather was the picture of health. Now he's dying, and my family and I now have to watch the deterioration not only of his body and mind but also of his spirit. He recently moved in with my parents, because he could no longer live alone. Yesterday morning, he had so much trouble getting down the stairs that he wasn't going to make it back up, so we had to convert my mother's dining room into his bedroom, and it will remain so for the rest of his life, however short that may be. It's hard to say, as much as we love him, but it's because we love him that we do say it - I really hope he doesn't last much longer. I'll miss him, but I simply can't bear to seem him this way. I guess love sometimes means slow, painful goodbyes.

My nephew started crying the cries of distress shortly after I'd put him to bed last night. I picked him up out of his crib in the dark, only to be immediately covered in his dinner. It was in my hair, soaking my shirt, and down my shirt. What amazed me is that I didn't even consider getting myself cleaned up first - taking care of my nephew was my priority, no matter how foul I smelled and how nasty the wet shirt felt against my skin. Love apparently also means spending 20 minutes covered in nastiness simply because you do what you have to do for those you love.

Sometimes love sucks. But it's worth it.

"This Shit Ain't That Complicated"

Women over-analyze everything. We can't help it. It must be something that just goes with that second X chromosome. I am no exception. In fact, I may very well over-over-analyze everything. I'm sure my closest girlfriends would agree.

The lunch date went well today, after a rough start. While I was waiting outside, thinking he was late, he was already inside at a table. Not at all what I expected. But things went smoothly from there - good conversation and some laughs. And a reference to wanting to leave work to go sit across the table from a pretty girl. [Insert blush here] He was very sweet and a perfect gentleman. But I can't say there was any physical attraction.

Normally, I would say no to a second date when there's no click. To quote Monica in an episode of Friends, "I just don't feel 'the thing.'" But I knew that a request for a second date was forthcoming, so I contemplated the idea and decided that I needed to give him another shot. Less than 2 hours after leaving the restaurant, I got the expected request. Lunch or dinner?

I was going to choose lunch, because I thought that dinner would suggest more interest than there is on my end. But my XY Consultant said, "This shit ain't that complicated." So dinner it is.

And since I'm in personal growth mode, I decided to take yet another leap and agree to my second blind date ever. Of course, R, the arranger of said date, wanted to give me the chance to say yes or no before suggesting it to Mr. ??, so it may never happen. We shall see.

In any event, I'm learning to date like a "real adult" (I know I'm way behind, figuring this out at 30). And I'm going to try to remember: This shit ain't that complicated.

Happy, or Just Content?

"Are you happy?" This was the question my mother posed several months ago, during the phase in my life when nearly everyone in my immediate family felt the need to express concern about the fact that I'm single and presently boyfriend-less and, as a result, make me cry. Often. My answer was a resounding and very honest "yes!"

I'm not sure she believed me, but at least she hasn't asked again.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly happy or just content. I've always believed that contentment is a dangerous state of mind. When you're content, you aren't challenged, and you can't grow. And it's true. I've never been much of a "dater" - when I was in school and fell for someone, I fell hard and fast, but it wasn't often mutual. Now I'm learning what it's like to date as a "real adult", the idea of going out with a man in order to find out if I'm interested, rather than going out with a man after I've developed an interest in him.

Tomorrow is another test. A lunch date with the friend of a friend. I'm not sure I'm interested in him, but I'm learning that that's the point, and he looks good on paper. A few months ago I had my first blind date - another friend of a friend. It wasn't a match, but it was good practice, and it was a pleasant evening with a very nice man but unfortunately without the chemistry. Let's hope tomorrow goes just as well, if not better. I'll keep you posted.